LOST and Krazors

(disclaimer: if you dont watch this show sorry I'm a geek and write about this stuff. I have nothing else to do)
I swear, the show LOST screws w/your mind. You know, alot of people give me crap for putting up with 3 years of watching this show. Like my dedication for Apollo, I have a dedication for the show LOST as well. Even if it's sucked 3 years of my life away, and 70% of this season was a load of crap, still dedicated.

So tonight was the season finale. So their doing these flashbacks (or are they flashFORWARDS?!?!? hm...) to good ol' Jack. I noticed that he has a "Krazor" cell phone. I'm thinking... Paul Randerson just told me like 5 months ago about the Krazor and how he was obsessed with it, so how is this possible? Did the LOST people make an accident? How would Jack, THREE years ago before he got on the island have a freakin' Krazor?? Yea, he COULDN'T have had a Krazor so it wasn't flashbacks. It was the PRESENT! They got of the bloody island! And sure enough they are...at least Kate and Jack are off. There was other stuff that happened but this is crazy. How are they going to make 3 more seasons when they left? What the heck? I'm so confused. All I know is, thanx Paul for all that hype about that stupid cell phone. I figured out the season finale thanks to the Krazor and my genius mind. muahahaha

Apollo makes the world seem right.

So today basically sucked. Minus a few good points here and there. The certain someone has now chosen to stop communication from me for the next few weeks to process. I'm learning to accept that and also to respect his wishes, but it effects me too. Makes me angry and frustrated. I feel like a crack addict...these 14 days seem like 14 months. My brother called me and told me its time to move on. The thing is you can have friends and even parents tell you to move on, but sometimes it takes an older brother to get a sista crying and finally admit that ya, it's time.

Anyways, what made today better was "dancing with the stars". What? I'm not ashamed of this fact. I have watched this season faithfully. I've never watched a season before but I found out that Apollo Ohno was going to be on. I have tracked this boy for the past 5 years! I am dedicated. I haven't been in love with him since a month ago(like most women of america. I have been DEDICATED! I even liked a guy that kinda looked like him for 2 years. Ya, i'm shameless. Whatever. We all have celebrity crushes and mine just so happens to be an olympic short speed skater from Seattle. Ya. I think I'm in love. Anyways, he won dancing with the stars and oddly and weirdly enough, I actually forgot about my gloomy situation. Thanks Apollo.

5 minutes a day

I give myself 5 minutes a day to be sad about what happened. I give myself 5 minutes to cry, to be mad, sad, angry...whatever. I don't want to pack ice around my soul , so I give myself 5 minutes to feel it all.

Life goes on. It always does. I just don't want to miss out on it. So I am picking myself up and living. Jesus is becoming more of my focus each day. When you lose focus on Him for such a long time, it can be sooo hard to get back on track. Discipline is what I need. So whether it be sitting with a group of people and talking God stuff, to forcing myself to just reflect,listen to God and his word... I'm doing it. It's a process like anything, but its one that I'm finally willing to go through.

Being back home I have a renewed sense of joy, passion, life, vision, hope. Those aren't just words I just wanted to through around. There is a deep meaning to all of those words for me. I also have been laughing. I haven't really laughed in a long long time. I forgot how good it felt to really laugh...for it to be genuine. I haven't laughed in the past few months like I did yesterday. I am blessed with the friends I have at home. I always have taken them for granted. Being in YWAM I have made mucho friends and yes, some are closer to me then some of my friends at home, but the friends at home have known me for 23 years. Thats depth. So in coming home I've come to realize to never take for granted your family...your friends...your resting place.

The future is so unknown now...but I'm so excited. Pushing through my hurts and focusing on Jesus and others.

It burns so bad

This is what I've looked like for the past week. I honestly think that a heart break might be the worst thing. the very core of who we are...our emotions, desires, dreams, etc. are here. And when it breaks it feels like everything you are and were and going to be are shattered. It feels like I can't get through another day. It feels like I want to die. It feels like hell...it burns.

so it is a great wonder how people do this and not have Jesus to fall back on. I feel like I have been choaking on dust for many months. not even wanting God in my life and sometimes God has to go to the EXTREME to bring me to my knees. To remind me that I DO need him and I am competely desperate for him. I finally just had to scream out...that I needed him to help me. The amazing thing? He is. Comforting me, giving me peaceful nights rest, good dreams, friends emailing me to see if I'm okay (and they didn't even know I was going through this), friends waking up by a dream that they needed to pray for me. There are thousands of other things that are more important then my heart being broken. Its not a big deal to the rest of the world or to most of my friends, but to God..it means everything. I'm letting HIM fix my broken heart...not letting another man hold my heart again. Never again. God is the only one that I'll ever trust to do that.

I moved to philly and I think I had too much of a fairy tale mindset. just wanted what ever girl wants...to be wooed and have someone feel crazy about her...just as she felt crazy about him. I made a lot of mistakes. things I wish I could do over and I can't. Words that were said that were so cruel cant be taken back. Maybe I expected too much from him. Maybe he expected too much from me. Either way, it sucks. I am back in Yakima for 2 months. People might call me weak, but I dont care. I really dont. My choices were:
1) Be in a city you don't know, alone, depressed, and have all your friends (which is like 2) be amazing friends with "Blank". OR
2) Go home, be depressed and hurting but be distracted with your amazing friends and family that know the real me and accept her the way she is...flawed but still loveable.

I wanted a Hosea. I wanted him to be that to me. Give me another shot, but I think he's outta bullets. And I'm pretty tired too. God give me strength for another day.