It burns so bad

This is what I've looked like for the past week. I honestly think that a heart break might be the worst thing. the very core of who we are...our emotions, desires, dreams, etc. are here. And when it breaks it feels like everything you are and were and going to be are shattered. It feels like I can't get through another day. It feels like I want to die. It feels like hell...it burns.

so it is a great wonder how people do this and not have Jesus to fall back on. I feel like I have been choaking on dust for many months. not even wanting God in my life and sometimes God has to go to the EXTREME to bring me to my knees. To remind me that I DO need him and I am competely desperate for him. I finally just had to scream out...that I needed him to help me. The amazing thing? He is. Comforting me, giving me peaceful nights rest, good dreams, friends emailing me to see if I'm okay (and they didn't even know I was going through this), friends waking up by a dream that they needed to pray for me. There are thousands of other things that are more important then my heart being broken. Its not a big deal to the rest of the world or to most of my friends, but to God..it means everything. I'm letting HIM fix my broken heart...not letting another man hold my heart again. Never again. God is the only one that I'll ever trust to do that.

I moved to philly and I think I had too much of a fairy tale mindset. just wanted what ever girl wants...to be wooed and have someone feel crazy about her...just as she felt crazy about him. I made a lot of mistakes. things I wish I could do over and I can't. Words that were said that were so cruel cant be taken back. Maybe I expected too much from him. Maybe he expected too much from me. Either way, it sucks. I am back in Yakima for 2 months. People might call me weak, but I dont care. I really dont. My choices were:
1) Be in a city you don't know, alone, depressed, and have all your friends (which is like 2) be amazing friends with "Blank". OR
2) Go home, be depressed and hurting but be distracted with your amazing friends and family that know the real me and accept her the way she is...flawed but still loveable.

I wanted a Hosea. I wanted him to be that to me. Give me another shot, but I think he's outta bullets. And I'm pretty tired too. God give me strength for another day.