kinda sad these days

I love YWAM…I really do. But sometimes it gets hard. It gets hard in the fact that I feel like I try to save face…alot. We tell people that we want broken people…we want to be open and honest, but sometimes I feel that those open and honest times are just for the DTS. Once you’re out, I’ve almost felt that if I spoke the things I was struggling with people would think, “I thought you already dealt with all of those things?”.
Now, I realize this is purely in my own mind and perception, but I just got tired. Tired of lying to myself to try and be miss perfect missionary girl…trying to keep up with her ULTRA-perfect missionary brother. Constantly being compared to him by the people I looked up to most, but never quite ‘getting there’.
I started to get tired of Monday morning worship, the Tuesday staff meeting, the Thursday meeting…oh yea and the Monday and Wednesday office staff meeting…and the Thursday morning meeting and the prayer times and the lectures and everything else. I realize that I should be grateful. I realize that maybe my ‘heart attitude’ is warped. I realize I have no right to be angry at God. I know the Christian answers…the YWAM answers…but I didn’t want them. I found myself struggling with old demons that I thought had faded. Why am I depressed? You got to be kidding me.
All I have wanted was to have someone tell me “I don’t understand where you are at but I’m willing to try” . I just got tried of people saying, “Oh, why didn’t you tell us before? Let me pray for you. Lets see God breakthrough right now”, or “maybe you’re like Job” What?? All I really want to do is cry.
I have an amazing life. There is no denying that and if I did, it would be a huge slap in the face to God himself. I’m just broken and tired…a bit confused, trying to hear God in the midst of doubting that I even do. Forging ahead regardless of it all.
There are always these “breakthrough sessions” we have here in Kona. I’m not trying to say that God doesn’t move in these, but I’m starting to be convinced that breakthrough is more then just a few tears and a few prayers and yelling. I’m convinced that it’s a journey. It is an everyday battle, but I think that makes you tougher. So where am I? I’m not okay. I’ve cried my tears for days now and I’m still in the valley and I believe I’ll be in this valley for awhile. Does it mean that I haven’t broken through yet? No…I just think it means I’m on the beginning of an amazing journey with Christ. I don’t understand a lot, but I do know that I want/love/and need Jesus.
I love the last chapter of John. Jesus asks Peter if he unconditionally loves him 3 times. Peter was only in the place of saying he just really liked Jesus. After 3 years with Jesus, seeing Jesus die, all of that and he only liked Jesus. Jesus’ response always caught me off guard. He simply tells Peter he still wants him to feed his sheep. Crazy. I may not have it all together, but Jesus still wants to take a chance in me. I don’t really get it, but I’ll take it.